The only difference between a roller coaster and a social event is that I scream less on the roller coaster
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
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Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*
Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate
Me: *shyly lifts top*
Do you accept Jesus Christ as your lord and saviour?
No, sorry we only accept Visa or MasterCard.
My check liver light just came on
Goodnight Moon. Goodnight crazy guy in my tree with binoculars.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
BRUCE WAYNE: How can I rid this city of crime
ALFRED: Mental health care access, economic development, gun reg—
BRUCE: Bring me a cape