Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
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“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
english majors be like furthermore
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
me: goodnight moon 🙂
me: goodnight stars 🙂
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Interviewer: what did you like the least about your last job?
Me: my coworkers were just the worse
I: it says here that you were a stay at home dad
Me: that is correct
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]