@MelKassel

*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*

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@Home_Halfway

The only difference between a roller coaster and a social event is that I scream less on the roller coaster

@Megatronic13

Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*

Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate

Me: *shyly lifts top*

Husband: no

@JohnASinclair

Do you accept Jesus Christ as your lord and saviour?
No, sorry we only accept Visa or MasterCard.

@Sassafrantz

Goodnight Moon. Goodnight crazy guy in my tree with binoculars.

@KizerBillhelm

*on first date*

Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?

@PatsATweetin

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

@fordm

BRUCE WAYNE: How can I rid this city of crime

ALFRED: Mental health care access, economic development, gun reg—

BRUCE: Bring me a cape