*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
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Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
Software Development ⛵️
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
if you mash a potato and then change your mind, just mail me the mashed potato and i will un-mash it and send it back
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
‘Too much’, ‘not enough’. or ‘just right’? 😂
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.