Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
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Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
*watches him dance*
*whispers* I’ve made a huge mistake.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
I’m willing to pay more for a powerful banh mi.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My hot flashes are so bad, I bought a frozen pizza and by the time I got it home, it was all brown and bubbly.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.