@mack44_d

Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?

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@GrowlyGrego

[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”

@notittryagain

Them: What’s wrong with you?

Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*

@kerouac741

Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.

Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.

@JillianKarger

DARTH VADER: I am your father

LUKE: Buy me some jeans then

DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this

@maddyalou

Feeling sick at work.
Subway to the bus-$5
Bus to commuter lot-$2
Puking in my car-$0
Guy in the car next to me puking in response-priceless

@GuyConfused

Love my pillow so much because it doesn’t leave my house in the morning after spending the night with me.

@JPLFR80

What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.

@joci2203

*does hair and makeup*

*drives to the gym, takes selfie*

*leaves*

@MelvinofYork

There is a woman on this plane going on vacation with a cat in a carrier. Because cats love surprises, travel, and unfamiliar surroundings.