Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
You Might Also Like
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
I successfully hid chocolate chip cookies from my children, making today’s parenting score:
Kids: 43,290
Mom: 1
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”