“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
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Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
If you really love someone never let them out your basement.
DARTH VADER: I am your father
LUKE: Buy me some jeans then
DV: *reluctantly hands over money* …You better actually buy jeans with this
Feeling sick at work.
Subway to the bus-$5
Bus to commuter lot-$2
Puking in my car-$0
Guy in the car next to me puking in response-priceless
Love my pillow so much because it doesn’t leave my house in the morning after spending the night with me.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
There is a woman on this plane going on vacation with a cat in a carrier. Because cats love surprises, travel, and unfamiliar surroundings.