[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
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How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
wife: I found a hypnotist who can fix our oldest sons disobedience & dandruff
me: [nodding] a good heir conditioner
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
Why should I trust my gut? My gut can’t even tell the difference between “I’m hungry” and “I’m bored” and that’s literally its only job.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Yeah, I use She pronouns.
But not like a girl, like a boat.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
I’m whitening my teeth while I bake so I don’t eat and OMG, guys, did you know brownie batter is still amazing mixed with hydrogen peroxide?
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.