Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY

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My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.


ME: can i open a joint account

BANKER: ok with who

ME: anyone rich


“I’ll have the Anti-sleeping Prescription”

“Sir, those are kids”

“Gimme two”


Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”


Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.


[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that


Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs


Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name


-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…