[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
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Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
*puts words between two asterisks*
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
“TGIM!” – My liver
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.