@DrakeGatsby

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY

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@bananagrvyrd

My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.

@ClichedOut

ME: can i open a joint account

BANKER: ok with who

ME: anyone rich

@Jedi_Daddy

“I’ll have the Anti-sleeping Prescription”

“Sir, those are kids”

“Gimme two”

@huntigula

Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”

@iAmJuddy

Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.

@bobvulfov

[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that

@figgled

Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs

@samir

Shia LaBeouf always manages to come back into our lives at the exact moment we forget how to spell his last name

@Havish_AF

-My daughter: We are being watched.
-Me: Nahhhh.
So she laughed
And i laughed
And Alexa laughed
And Siri laughed
And the robot vacuum cleaner laughed…