Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
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12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
*husband lifts up hood of car*
H: Aimee, could you…
Me: *honks horn*
H: *jumps* Damnit Aimee, don’t…
Me: *honk*
H:
Me: *honk*
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
My neck my back my allergy attack
Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*
My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal