Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.

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There is nothing stopping a condom company from saying they are the only condoms worn by Santa Claus


GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this


My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.

Challenge accepted!


What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?


If video games actually influenced behaviour you’d see a lot more people accidentally jumping in the air when they try to open doors.


April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.


Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious


“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.