Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
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Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
I saw a guy and a girl doing high fives in a chemistry lab
and I thought, “wow they be bonding.”
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
2-year-old: *hysterically upset because he realized his favorite hoodie has a hood*
5-year-old, to me: Okay, what if we just throw him out?
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”