There is nothing stopping a condom company from saying they are the only condoms worn by Santa Claus
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
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GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
If video games actually influenced behaviour you’d see a lot more people accidentally jumping in the air when they try to open doors.
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.