Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
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Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
NO I didn’t eat a whole box of Girl Scout Cookies. I just ate all the cookies inside it.
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?