@SteveKoehler22

Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.

They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.

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@DrakeGatsby

[First day as a mortician]

Me: Anybody seen my grapes?

[Later]

Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird

@Holy_Mowgli

Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated

@AbbieEvansXO

Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here

Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad

Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself

@JimmerThatisAll

In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.

@ohen39

doctor: [handing me my new born baby] I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it
me: [handing baby back to him] bring me the one my wife made

@BuckyIsotope

Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer

@jmksr68

I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.

@ThugRaccoons

*gets abducted by aliens*

*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*

*gets returned by aliens*