@SteveKoehler22

Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.

They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.

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@weinerdog4life

“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”

@jonnysun

im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion

@WheelTod

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom

@SladeWentworth

Netflix: Are you still watching?

Me: Yes.

Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?

@SteveSuckington

For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”

@seamusmckracken

Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.

@robfee

Can someone tell me the exact crime I need to commit to get put on house arrest because legally having to cancel plans sounds incredible.

@MavenofHonor

Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree

@GinAndJif

If you encounter someone who is massively overreacting to something, calm them down by laughing at them.