[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.
They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
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Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
doctor: [handing me my new born baby] I’m sorry but your wife didn’t make it
me: [handing baby back to him] bring me the one my wife made
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
When Siri has her period she uses an iPad.
I hate myself.