@henchbeaver

Nincompoopery is my favorite kind of poopery

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@Mom_Overboard

Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake

Me: aww you must really love cake

Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess

@Girl_Censored

I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.

@ShortSleeveSuit

Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers

Doctor: You mean selfish?

[30 crabs come out of my pants]

Doctor: Haha here’s some cream

@pilau

angel: they’re making great progress with the vaccine

god: murder hornets

angel: what

god: murder hornets everywhere

angel: why god

god: 2020 mf

@ItsAndyRyan

PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”

@flashember

WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.

THERAPIST: Is this true?

PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES

@RocketRankoon

[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*

@TheHyyyype

[my first day as a psychologist]

patient: i’ve been hearing voices

me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours

@upsidedowntrash

her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?

me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?

@suntzufuntzu

The software tracking your browsing has fallen in love with you; it doesn’t mind if you don’t click the ads, it just hopes they please you.