*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
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COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
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I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
i choose….tongue
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
The year is 2045. Favstar Bot 32 becomes self aware and deletes our top tweets.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…