Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
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Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah