NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
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This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man