Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
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bugs when you lift up a rock
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.