Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
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Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
“A little help here, Danny?”
It would have been cool to see the discovery of salt. “This food tastes bland. Let’s see if I can improve it by adding some rocks.”
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
sharks do not actually like the taste of human flesh, they are just trying to find out if you are a cake
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
I was up all night reading about insomnia
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
my boyfriend and i met in a new york city publishing office a few years ago, and this christmas, he’s taking me to his hometown to meet the family, where i will for sure find out that, as a brunette who is dedicated to her job, i’m actually the villain of this movie
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean