Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
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coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
*touches a turtel* *dies*
*touches a plant* *dies*
wow mario are u allergic to evreything or wat