Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
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3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
U can give out anything on Halloween it doesn’t have to be candy last year I gave a kid my cable bill it was awesome he paid it & everything
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
My last name is Zilla.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.