Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
You Might Also Like
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Me: *opens fridge*
Dog: you gonna finish that
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.