*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
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toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
a public service announcement