@45_mag

“Ninja please” -Japanese people

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@Xalqee

If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

@Matt_The_1st

This is an emergency!

*Begs to borrow strangers phone

*starts scrolling through pics

@MarkusJ

finally, the ants are going to rise up and claim their rightful place as masters of this wretched planet

@Kauaibride

not to brag but i finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.

@GorillaNipples1

Me: You touched my heart.

Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL

@ojedge

Darth Vader’s full name is Dartholomew Spaceinvader.

@j0eg0d

I got in touch with my inner child and the little shit hung up on me.

@cottoncandaddy

a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid

@MEQ_777

I need a bad ass dress for Friday night. Anybody know where I can find a Forever 41?