“Ninja please” -Japanese people
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I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
me: come back to my place?
her: sure
me: it’s not haunted
her: what
me: no ghosts
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
🦝🔥🦝🔥
St. Patrick drove all the snakes out of Ireland. They gave him a great Uber rating.
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Is there something about me that suggests I want to hear about your smoothie cleanse, because I can change.
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
found this cool rock hiking today
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines