nintendo: so you hate doing chores, right
me: totally
nintendo: and you hate working a job
me: so much
nintendo: what if you did all that while hopelessly in debt to a capitalist raccoon?
me: will it be cute
nintendo: so cute
me: then i will do it for 20,000 hours
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I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
Whenever a guy peeps into my phone, I open the front cam and take a selfie with him.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”