Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
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I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Hank is one in a melon.
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Some people are like water balloons; they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
I bet when humans 1st learned to eat there were a lot of mishaps. “Just tried the sand, Betty, probably a 2 out of 10. Don’t eat the sand.”
Whoever said “time heals all wounds” deserves a swift kick in the teeth.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
husband: *enters house w/ buckets of water*
me: what’s with all the water
him: you know FULL WELL
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!