No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
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Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
oh no, steve’s working tonight
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
Something Saturday.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
[Neo’s Matrix bullet dodge but instead it’s me taking a compliment]
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.