According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
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Me- wtf who ate all the Oreos??
17-you did. Yesterday. I saw you.
Me- go to your room.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
Dear parents with unattended children they will be given 4 red bulls and a kazoo
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
“You can’t have your cake and eat
People that don’t know how cake
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
Who the hell decided “have a happy period” was an okay thing to write on maxi pads? “NOT WORTH THE JAIL TIME” would have been more relevant.