@NeinQuarterly

No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.

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@jordan_stratton

According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.

@WaxDragonflies

Me- wtf who ate all the Oreos??

17-you did. Yesterday. I saw you.

Me- go to your room.

@FatherWithTwins

My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.

@cdncyn

Dear parents with unattended children they will be given 4 red bulls and a kazoo

@MarkAgee

Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.

@MarfSalvador

Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]

Date: Wow your knee is huge

@PetrickSara

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want.

Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.

@Marcmywords2

“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”

People that don’t know how cake
works.

@CutCopyPasta

Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural

*later on date*

Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo

@lilgapeach30

Who the hell decided “have a happy period” was an okay thing to write on maxi pads? “NOT WORTH THE JAIL TIME” would have been more relevant.