“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
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Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
I used to be married, but I’m better now
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
ME: funny how there’s no 13th floor to avoid bad luck
WIFE: yeah, but also, this is a three-storey building
#JohnTravolta
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
[reading an e-book]
ME: Nice.[reading an eeeEeeeeEeeeee-book]
DOLPHIN: Nice.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
My peeves aren’t pets. They’re family.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
That’s fair
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
A monarchy is crowning a new king & later we’ll watch horses run in a circle for entertainment. Tonight I’m gonna party like it’s 1199.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
Tell me you get it…🤣