No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.

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Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder


ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*

STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?

ME: deep tissue massage

CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security


Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)


“i’ll be back”

–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume


[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it


donkey kong: i’m starting to think mom loved you more

king kong: what makes you say that


I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.