Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
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Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
Dog: (confused dog look)
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
donkey kong: i’m starting to think mom loved you more
king kong: what makes you say that
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.