“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
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‘I know a black person’
– White people
REALTOR: what size home are you looking for?
OLD LADY WHO LIVED IN A SHOE: 11 , 11 1/2
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
I’m not sure if this is the same kind of plague, but I smeared my period blood on the door frame just in case.
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: i didn’t need it, there was a toilet
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god