No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
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“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
[Orca Winfrey Show]
ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!
AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
Brands during Pride
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”