Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@MrsTomServo

Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.

@shivillex

Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..

@CakeThrottle

Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference

@JeffSarcastic

*sends epic tweet*

[no likes 3 hours later]

*waits 2 weeks, sends again*

[no likes 1 day later]

*starts typing*

NSA: dude, let it go

@Travis_Lemire

Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.

@AimeeHelene1

If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!

@zachreinert03

Anytime I see someone with dreadlocks i yell CONGRATS ON HAVING A DIRTY HEAD FOR AN EXTENDED PERIOD OF TIME

@HairyJew4Life

Me: What’s one thing you don’t like about your girlfriend?

Him: She doesn’t swallow.

Me: What? How does she eat?

@robfee

Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!