@audipenny
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
@AsgardianRose
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
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@audipenny
@trumpetcake
MY NANA WAS A FREAK IN THE SACK. Now granted, we didn’t stuff her in that sack often, but boy would she freak out when we did.
@Beer4AGoodTime
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
@rebrafsim
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
@JohnLyonTweets
*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraptionโ on eBay for $800*
@imOverlyManly
Loses house keys. Builds new house.
@EmmyStar79
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
@ginadivittorio
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
@tracietom
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
@reallyhoffman
Me: Alexa am I drunk?
Roll of paper towels: