No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
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[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
Ninety percent of being an accountant is fighting off the babes…
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
men’s fashion peaked in 1838
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Either my daughter has pink glitter in her hair or head lice is way more fabulous than I remember.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
[on phone with son] remember grimace probably weighs over 400lbs
[son at mcdonalds waiting for his interview] they probably won’t ask that
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…