@stephaniehas

No autocorrect, I do not want to organism all over his face.

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@ojedge

“Tim’s coming tonight”

“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”

[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop

@WilliamAder

How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.

@WheelTod

I cheated on my drug test, with a younger, more attractive drug test.

@mommywhitfield

Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.

@sarcasticmommy4

I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”

@ibid78

Dating tip: to impress your date, put a napkin on your lap. Along with your plate. And the table. And the waiter. You’re now the restaurant.

@girl_a_whirl

His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.

-Oreo to milk

@maisondecris

cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort