No autocorrect, I do not want to organism all over his face.

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“Tim’s coming tonight”

“Tim with hooves for feet or Tim that likes to bang coconut halves together?”

[in the distance] clip-clop clip-clop


How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.


I cheated on my drug test, with a younger, more attractive drug test.


Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.


I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”


Dating tip: to impress your date, put a napkin on your lap. Along with your plate. And the table. And the waiter. You’re now the restaurant.


His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.

-Oreo to milk


cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort