No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
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I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
When you say, “save me some nachos” and I say, “okay” think Rose at the end of Titanic saying “I’ll never let go”..as she lets go.
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
[work phone rings]
Customer: I realize ur closing but I just have a quick question
“Good, because it’s 4:59 and I-”
Now, it all started back in ’82 when I had my knee replacement surgery
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
the waiter grinds me some pepper. “tell me when.” i never say ‘when’. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
Overindulged this afternoon.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]