@nPhelendriqal

No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.

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@hippieswordfish

‘babe, i’m ready’ -says my wife, from the bedroom

‘be right there’ -i say from the bathroom, trying furiously to untangle my yo-yo string

@KKAlThani

David Beckham says he will retire at the end of this season, mainly because he ran out of ideas on how to do his next haircut.

@freudianscript

Welcome to twitter- Please stand by, someone will disagree with you shortly.

@FrancysNjoroge

Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti

@ClichedOut

HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: i can change, Becky

HER:

ME: into a semi truck

@ben_rosen

instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club

@madcaplaughs30

The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”

@JB4Realz

[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.