No, autocorrect, I’m not “pooping” popcorn. Not now anyway. Later, yes, but I don’t plan to text about it.
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Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
He’s dead
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
My 16-year-old wants to know how old he needs to be before I remove the window-lock safety feature on the car. My 21-year-old says she’d love to know too.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
You left a note on the fridge saying “This isn’t working. Goodbye” but I opened it and it was working perfectly well. I don’t get it.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook