My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –
though she can be devilish at times.
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I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
When you forget your mom follows you on Snapchat
I think we should line up all the presidential candidates and see which one a dog doesn’t bark at. That person should become president.
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
I guess it all started when I saw him put the toothpaste on before the water…
*therapist scribbles furiously*