No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –though she can be devilish at times.
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“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Coworker: *sneezes*
Me: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: Bless you
CW: *sneezes*
M: *stabs them in the neck with a pen*
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
dream blunt rotation
There’s an age where being drunk becomes pathetic but if you hang in there somewhere around 70 it becomes cool again.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”
“Relax, grandma.”
*furiously knits a condom*
“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
.I’m a woman. Sometimes I want you to hold me while I sleep and sometimes I want you to shove my panties in my mouth. It’s complicated.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah