Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –
though she can be devilish at times.
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Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
You show up unannounced at my door. I invite you in and sit you down in the kitchen with a cup of coffee. I begin mopping the floor, smiling at you as I work my way backwards towards the doorway. Please let that dry, I shout, as I put on my coat and leave the house.
ME: Who is your favourite philosopher?
PROFESSOR: It’s Hume.
ME: Sorry – whom is your favourite philosopher?
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”
“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*