No, Autocorrect ….

the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –

though she can be devilish at times.

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It’s been quite a week. My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him this morning, but I set him down outside and now I can’t be sure which one is Simon.


Rage Against the Machine never specified what type of machine they were furious with but I reckon it was probably a printer.


I got arrested for being drunk and disorderly, but I was just laughing hysterically at the cost of organic vegetables.


Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?


I’m not gullible but she said I was the best she’s ever had and then to wait by the phone for instructions on how to get my wallet back.


“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.


As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.


Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit

Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again