I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
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shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
My safe word is Worcestershire
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
They’re not wrong
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.