A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
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I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Hi I’m the protagonist of a YA horror story. My name is something VERY SYMBOLIC like Persephone Underworld or Circe Evil-Lineage. Tho it seems vague, if you’re good at doing an allegory you’ll understand it’s a hint that my family has an evil, death-related history. Spoiler alert
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
My job has this cool thing, where if you do your job very well you get to do other peoples jobs too.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Deer are just ballerina dogs
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel