A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
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The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
me: it doesn’t have a tail so i’m pretty sure it’s a hamster
tech support: okay fine right-click the hamster
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Groot is a tree but he doesn’t have roots. They should just call him G.
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.