[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
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Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
#Caturday
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
Grapefruit – for when you want your food to taste like getting beaten up
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.