Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
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Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
[girl chatting up guy at bar]
girl: so what do you do?
magician: i halve a girlfriend
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet