@tsm560

No Brenda, Machu Picchu isn’t a Pokémon

You Might Also Like

@YoungNobler

Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.

@sirchutney

‘Benjamin Button.’

‘BENJAMIN WHO?’

‘Benjamin’

‘WHO’S THERE?’

‘Knock knock!’

@Chumpstring

[ER]

ME: [scared] well?

DOCTOR: ur ok

M: so it was just a dream

D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them

@rantingmd

googling ways to dispose of a body,mostly to freak out the douche behind me who keeps staring at my laptop screen

@silent_musings

Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”

@6stringSpecial

Today at crossfit, i changed a tire on an old tractor. I think the trainer has just been charging me to do shitty chores at his dad’s house.

@FuckabillyRex

Gave a lady on the bus my seat and then sang Coldplay’s Yellow to her and it was so emotional she had to get off at the next stop.
?

@kateashlynryan

🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands

@AndyAsAdjective

CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma

CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid