@WhatevaConc

No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.

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@TuSoonShakur

FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?

BUBBA: sherwood forest

FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:

FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n

@Ideal_Victoria

Date: Sing me something

Me: ♫ Open your eyes, look up to the skies and seeeee ♫

*banner plane flies by with “we should see other people”

@DrDogMD

NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down

@mjm866

My two year old just learned to say shut up. Coincidentally I just lost all guilt about clothes lining a toddler.

@SardonicTart

How to beat depression:

1) Talk to someone

2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.

@ElleOhHell

BEN AFFLECK: I’m directing a new movie and I was thinking about you for the lead role
BEN AFFLECK: Well I’m obviously very flattered

@Marlebean

My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.

@KimMonte10

Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment

@ReelQuinn

Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion