FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
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Date: Sing me something
Me: ♫ Open your eyes, look up to the skies and seeeee ♫
*banner plane flies by with “we should see other people”
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
My two year old just learned to say shut up. Coincidentally I just lost all guilt about clothes lining a toddler.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
BEN AFFLECK: I’m directing a new movie and I was thinking about you for the lead role
BEN AFFLECK: Well I’m obviously very flattered
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion