no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
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Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Okay
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is