My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
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Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
Someone 5 miles away could drop their keys on a carpeted floor inside their home and my dog would still hear it and bark for 20 minutes
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Cats’ have an underdeveloped pre-frontal cortex, meaning they lack almost any ability to plan ahead, which explains why they’re so bad at chess
[On a first date]
Her: So, what’s your favorite food?
Me: Bacon
Her: Okay. Who’s your favorite actor?
Me: Bacon
Her: I see. Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Bakin’
Her: (Deep Sigh) What do you do for work?
Me: I bring home the…
Her: WAITER CHECK PLEASE!!!
Let’s get married, have kids and buy a house where it’ll either be too cold or too hot for someone every day forever.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.