I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
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[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
SATAN: welcome to hell
ME: thanks
SATAN: it says here that you were sent down by heaven for *squints at piece of paper* updog. What’s updog?
ME: JUST OWNING THE PRINCE OF DORKNESS WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
*jesus appears and high fives me*
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
Brilliant!
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours