He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
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[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
boss: u should’ve been here at 9
me: why what happened at 9
Oh, I bet you would be
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
It’s a good thing we invented calculus before we invented software patents otherwise every time anyone wanted to calculate the center of a mass we’d have to pay the Newton Estate like 12 cents.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time