No Cheryl, your baby is not 72 months old. Your child is 6 years old.

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I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.


“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.


My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.


Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.


that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans


Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.


This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.


When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.


Bear: *lowers sunglasses. Is it *beary* serious?

Cops:…Ok that’s funny but but you mauled a child so yes. You have to go back to the zoo.