And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
You Might Also Like
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
I’ll never understand women. A species that loathes you for asking their age, but tortures you forever if you forget their birthday.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
studying the Sphinx using Pharoahdynamics
⛄️
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
Nirvana, according to most Buddhists I’ve spoken to, is quite literally the best alternative rock band to have ever existed.
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
that’s the thing with this thing, it’s very thingy
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
For the ones in the back.
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.