It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
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*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
Pancakes are just waffles that
decided to go off the grid.
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Interior design 👌
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.