@ilovepie84

No Cheryl, your baby is not 72 months old. Your child is 6 years old.

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@Diversion50

I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.

@FullGrownChris

“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.

@ShrinkMedia

My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.

@RobertManchild

Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.

@juliadavidovich

that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans

@MaverickGames

Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.

@SadMeterologist

TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.

@Sirrruh

Bear: *lowers sunglasses. Is it *beary* serious?

Cops:…Ok that’s funny but but you mauled a child so yes. You have to go back to the zoo.