Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
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5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
I was 14 before I realized that banana peels and anvils weren’t America’s leading causes of death.
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Not need to ever fold your fitted sheets if you spread them all onto the bed and then remove a layer every two weeks
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
ex: i wish you well
me: i hope you fall into one
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it