This toilet won’t flush!!
Cop: “Sir, will you please step out of the phone booth”
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optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
These are my emotional support Pringles.
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
I always close the door to the bathroom even if I’m home alone. What if someone broke in and saw me peeing? That would be so embarrassing
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
[The Beatles writing Here Comes The Sun]
Paul: so what should come after here comes the sun?
[Ringo screams from bathroom]: Doo Doo, Doo Doo
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES