Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
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If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
[principal’s office]
“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”
Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
Welcome to Earth, where we hate each other and put ketchup on everything.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
sry
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.