*receives get well soon card*
Oh yeah, why didn’t I think of that?
*gets well soon*
No clean Tupperware today, so I brought my yogurt to work tied up in a condom. No longer allowed to use the employee fridge.
You Might Also Like
New Year’s resolution is to stop drinking. Dies of thirst.
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Facebook has a link to “Report a Problem” so I wrote “I’m not very close with my father.” Now we wait I guess
How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
People who say laughter is the best medicine have clearly never tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT