@dreamthievin

No clean Tupperware today, so I brought my yogurt to work tied up in a condom. No longer allowed to use the employee fridge.

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@tehaveragejoel

make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.

@junejuly12

Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.

@AnkCoupleTO

[police lineup]

Cop: Do you see the guy who ate your plants?
Me: Nope
Cop: *waving leaf* Wildebeest step forward?
WB: *drooling* Goddamnit

@leechee420

The package says “Do not eat raw cookie dough” but all I really see is “Pillsbury hates you and doesn’t want you to be happy.”

@ddsmidt

Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.

Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.

@haveigotnews

Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.

Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.

Jan 3rd: World War III announced.

@tracietom

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

@loribuckmajor

Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute

and everybody loses their shit!

@Brampersandon_

BOSS: You forgot my birthday didn’t you?
ME: *lighting candle* No what gave u that idea?
BOSS: idk maybe that candle stuck in a urinal cake?