@dreamthievin

No clean Tupperware today, so I brought my yogurt to work tied up in a condom. No longer allowed to use the employee fridge.

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@mattsurely

*receives get well soon card*
Oh yeah, why didn’t I think of that?
*gets well soon*

@GringoBrulee

My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”

@NicestHippo

Facebook has a link to “Report a Problem” so I wrote “I’m not very close with my father.” Now we wait I guess

@xLiserx

People who say laughter is the best medicine have clearly never tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.

@vikkaroni

I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.

@SkylarGarland

“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)

@elle91

Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?

Me: I don’t want to talk about it.

Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT