[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
No cop can catch a kid on a 10 speed.
-every 80s movie with cops chasing kids on 10 speeds.
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Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
My body is a temple
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
The Easter Bunny doesn’t always drink, but when he does it’s hopscotch.
Sorry I can’t pay my rent this month, I bought an apple at the airport.
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
“My cute what?”