The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
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box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
People find one band-aid and suddenly no one wants anymore of my homemade salsa.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
My dad said it’s important to carry a compass when I go hiking, in case I ever get lost. I have no idea how drawing perfect circles will help, but I’m not one to question authority.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?