No cop can catch a kid on a 10 speed.

-every 80s movie with cops chasing kids on 10 speeds.

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[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him


Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”


My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”


When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens


Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?

Superman: Um obviously.

Batman: Think about that for a second.


The Easter Bunny doesn’t always drink, but when he does it’s hopscotch.


Sorry I can’t pay my rent this month, I bought an apple at the airport.


me: how often should I water it?

florist: you’ll just know

me: I absolutely will not