Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
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This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Me: Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
Her: no
Me: *dials another number* Hello, is it me you’re looking for?
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues