@UnFitz

“No Country For Old Men” is just a film about my musical preferences.

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@Christweetpher_

[black jack]

DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged

@Megatronic13

Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad

*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*

Me: h-how are you smoking??

@Mr_Kapowski

My daughter is the perfect height for using an umbrella to simultaneously keep her dry and for me to lose an eye from one of its corners

@prozdkp

Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain

@angibangie

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?

Him: no. not like that.

@MavenofHonor

Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.

@monks_19

If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.

@IAmKatieOrr

I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”

@elmulino

I don’t think people outside of England understand that the “it’s coming home” thing was a joke at first because we had no hope but it actually might be coming home and now we don’t know what to do with ourselves