ME: hit me
M: hit me
M: hit me
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
“No Country For Old Men” is just a film about my musical preferences.
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Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
My daughter is the perfect height for using an umbrella to simultaneously keep her dry and for me to lose an eye from one of its corners
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
Oh, I don’t need a whole bag of confetti. Just the one confetto will be fine.
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
I don’t think people outside of England understand that the “it’s coming home” thing was a joke at first because we had no hope but it actually might be coming home and now we don’t know what to do with ourselves